is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
