He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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