Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize