I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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