My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
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I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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