Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
