I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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