Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
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A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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