I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
