You can't special order awesome
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
