I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
