ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
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Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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