i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
