Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
