I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
