I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
