the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So gin and wine won't be happening again
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You're a waste of cheezeits
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
