you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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