I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
