operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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