here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
