I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
