When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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