I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
