I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
