I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
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