note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
