I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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