I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
