My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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