I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
