I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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