Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
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We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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