can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
