I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
