ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
