Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
