wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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