We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
