i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
