i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
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Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
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Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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