Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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