Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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