It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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