M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
