thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
