he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
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you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
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She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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