My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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