i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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