smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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