conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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