come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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