i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
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Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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