dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
