i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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