when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
