Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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